"Now Remember..."

Child birth. It is our future, the reason we are still here generation after generation. For thousands upon thousands of years, mankind as we know it has lived as a civilized organism. We hunt together, work together, live together, fight together. Above all, we mate together and produce the very vessels that will keep our genetics moving on into whatever may come next. There are many ways that we protect our young. We guard them against what we believe may be harmful to them. My parents told me to not play near the old wood stove we had. That was the first line of defense in my protection, the next was my nervous system sending me a jolt of pain when I inevitably touched the hot stove.

That was when I was already capable of moving myself, making decisions to protect myself. So what about the time before that? Currently Alicia's body protects our child. We avoid things that will enter our child's developing body by changing diet, avoiding alcohol, and limiting contact with harmful chemicals. Anything that could harm newly forming cells or alter the strict genetic code charged with the task of building every aspect of its body. Cradled in the warmth of mother's womb, the child is relatively safe from harm so long as the parents observe simple caution. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one, an expectant mother should never reach her arms above her head. Ever! The fear is instilled with the idea that doing this could somehow wrap the umbilical cord around our dear child's fragile neck. OH NO! Certainly the doctor would have told us this! The truth is, no, there is no evidence that a pregnant woman should be the slightest touch concerned about reaching above her head. This is a prime example of the long standing tradition to pass on "Old Wives Tales" to the next generation of mothers. There is nothing particularly wrong with most of these tales, and some can have enough of a placebo effect for the mother to make them almost worth it. In other cases, the exhausted parent will try something that would seem completely out of the question under any other circumstance. It is my sincere belief that the following story was the result of a prank formulated by some conspiring grandmother long ago. Without further ado, a story from a friend that she shared with me on Facebook. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

"You are going to think I am a total idiot. I'm not gonna lie, I have my days! Anyway, Jake had been showing signs of teething since he was 3 months old. The crying, screaming, fussing, drooling, chewing, etc. was just about all I could take. I had tried everything (except liquor on the gums.) My mom told me that she heard several people mention that hanging an egg in one of your baby's socks over his door would ease teething pain. I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. After months and months of this teething, I was at my wit's end! Let me be the first to tell you, teething sucks! Hopefully, you'll have one of those kids who just "wakes up with a tooth". I wasn't so lucky. Anyway, one night while mom was over here, Jake was fussing excessively, and she mentioned it again. In a moment of weakness, I got a hammer, an egg, and one of Jake's socks, jumped in a chair, and hammered away. Needless to say, it didn't work. A week later, I was still left with a fussy baby and one stinky egg. Jake didn't produce a tooth until he was almost 7 months old. I don't recommend trying this at all!"

I don't know about you, but I died laughing when I read this. This intrigued me to look at some more "remedies" related to pregnancy. Some of them are absolutely off the wall. Almost as off the wall has nailing a sock with an egg in it over your baby's door. ;)

(Fairly common. Thanks Kevin for the link to the effect.) To predict the sex of a baby: Suspend a wedding band held by a piece of thread over the palm of the pregnant girl. If the ring swings in an oval or circular motion the baby will be a girl. If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a boy.

(Ha! I imagine a one-eyed, white haired woman reciting this while petting a hairless cat. Really, I do. I don't know why.)

Monday's child is fair of face;
Tuesday's child is full of grace;
Wednesday's child is full of woe;
Thursday's child has far to go;
Friday's child is loving and giving;
Saturday's child works hard for a living.
But the child that is born on the Sabbath day
is fair and wise, good and gay.

(Or just have a complicated birth) A baby that is born feet first will have healing abilities.

(Well, that would be a change for the better at least.) Everything planted by a pregnant woman will grow well.

(WTF...) Do not wear high heels during pregnancy or your baby will “fall out.”

So what merit do these suggestions have? You would think they have no merit at all, but what if? It's natural for our curious minds to question the limits of our reality, if we didn't there would hardly be a reason for science. Would it be fair to say that humans want to push the limits of our reality to try and have a better grasp on the protection of our offspring? I believe so. To say that you even have an idea about something that could dictate any parameter of the child's wellbeing, that's one step closer to being in total control of what is indeed a frightening concept. Still though, there are some things which rocket well beyond the limits and end up in The Twilight Zone.

Have the groom carry the bride over a pan of burning coals when entering his home for the first time. Doing this ensures trouble-free labor.

Oops... Sorry Alicia.

Sex?

No, not a post about how we're going to handle the sex talk. That's going to take a lot more time to study I think. This is a short response to people asking me what I want more, a boy or a girl. A valid question, not uncommon really. Before I knew Alicia was pregnant, I said I wanted a girl first. As soon as I found out she was, my view changed completely. I don't care if he's a she, she's a he, or if our baby is a both or neither! I just want our child to be healthy. :)

Typical, uninteresting response I know. Yes, I want to know as soon as possible. No, Alicia does not want to know. Insert passive aggressive comment here.

Stand up, Sit Down, Stand Up, Kneel

Anyone that has attended a Catholic mass is undoubtedly familiar with the blood moving activity described by this post's subject. I myself never kneel in a mass service. Something about not being in that faith but still going through the motions didn't seem right. And that was when I still claimed Christianity as my faith. I did enjoy mass for the most part. Depending on the priest, it could actually be a quite interesting homily. For those that know Father Dennis from Incarnation Catholic Church in Collierville, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

It obviously wasn't enough to make me convert to Catholicism. The obvious problems are still there, just as all religions. I wanted to hold true to my own beliefs or non-beliefs, regardless of my wife's faith. I've heard all the doom sayers claiming that our marriage will fail, that a shared faith is necessary for a marriage to work. I listened to your words, stored them away for future reference, and wiped the BS off my shoes. The assumption was made that I don't care about my wife's beliefs. True, at times I get wrapped up ranting about how someone made a religious comment that was absolutely ignorant and it's all peachy until I make the mistake of generalizing. That's when I get the wife glare. It happens, but it's certainly not a threat to our marriage, we decide that.

Anyway, before I dive way off the planned topic for this post, I would like to bring up our plan for this child. We have talked about it extensively, finally deciding that for the first portion of the child's life we will raise it Catholic. Atheist/Agnostics will groan (I will), Christians will say "oh boy, there is hope for this kid," and hardcore protestants will spout on about worshiping Mary or some other crap they're uneducated about. I don't want him or her to be a Catholic baby, Christian baby, Jewish baby, Muslim baby, or any other ridiculous labeling children get before they even know what the hell is going on around them. Although, I can rightly gloat that the child will be born agnostic. Literally, he or she won't know! Score!

When the child is old enough to start making decisions and realize more about what is going on in life, I can present my non-beliefs. It's true though, my beliefs without a fun youth group or beautiful church will seem shallow. It's a start though, a step that I was never offered. Ultimately the child's religion will be his or her own choice. My hope is that we can clearly represent these options in a manner that never shuts anyone else out for their beliefs. I want nothing more than to instill a sense of humanity, a passion for learning, and to respect life above all.

Am I excited about him or her going to a Catholic church for a while? I'm not bouncing up and down at the concept, but I know the church that we will be closest to hopefully and I trust it. Looking at my wife and her acceptance of evolution as a tool of her God, that alone gives me more faith, if you'll pardon the term. With Alicia, she doesn't shoot down science because of what she believes. She doesn't point her finger at any person and claim they are going to hell. She doesn't judge others according to their faith, obviously, and she isn't homophobic. She is as free thinking as me, and still maintains a faith in her God without limiting herself from learning about the universe. That is why I trust her church. Hopefully soon we will be moving down closer to her family and closer to that church. I may attend now and then, but I will not be giving a false sense of church presence for the sake of the child. If my child tells me some day that he or she wishes to be Catholic, I will accept and love them just as much as if he or she had told me they want to be the next Richard Dawkins.

Though maybe that was a skewed comparison. You know what I mean.

Continuing Thought

I'm still thinking about language. My wife is suggesting Spanish for obvious reasons, I can't really argue that that won't be a beneficial language. I don't mind Spanish at all, but I sort of prefer German or Russian. The issue I'm having is that our kid won't be able to use German or Russian much here in the States. Oh, I don't know. I want to learn a language too. Maybe I can find the motivation. I'm open to suggestions.

My mind is too busy tonight. Too much I want to do, too much that actually has to get done.

To Soul, Or Not to Soul

A very clear divide can be seen between the religious and non-religious concerning the presence of a soul. If you're religious, chances are that you believe you have a soul. It is necessary for most religions that have a belief in an afterlife. For non-religious, most a quite comfortable with the idea that there is no soul. Scientifically, there is no need for a soul. Our current information concerning the mind and body fill the gaps without needing some mystical energy to make the gears turn. Our understanding of the brain is certainly not complete, but it is extensive enough to show no evidence of a soul.

Of course, there is no way to prove that we have no soul, or that such a thing as a soul does not exist. However, there is no way to prove it. I have seen a video debate on whether or not humans have souls. The creationist claimed that there were current scientific theories suggesting a form of background energy in the brain gave evidence of a soul. He felt confident that this was proof enough. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that he had discounted the theory of evolution because it was only a theory, not a fact. Plain and simple, whether or not souls exist may be one of the many unprovable theories in our universe.

So why the concern over it? Can't we all just shrug and say "Ahh, there is no reason to worry about something that we cannot prove or change." Hardly. For many, the 'reality' of a soul is essential to give their lives meaning. It gives them something beyond mortality, something that indicates that things are not over after death. Whether the soul is unconscious energy, incorporeal intelligence, some deity granted self, or something else, the need is almost always based on hope for afterlife.

I remember what it was like when I was religious. The concept of having no soul was horrifying. To think that once my body stopped functioning I would be sucked into an infinite darkness, never to feel again, never to see anything or anyone again. It was a palpable fear. There was nothing worse than imagining that once I died, that was the absolute end. Obviously things have changed since then. I no longer fear that overwhelming darkness. As far as we know, there either is or isn't an afterlife. If there is, I doubt it's the eternal heaven. With free will, there is no perfect place to spend eternity. Eventually the inevitable boredom would set in and one would crave the darkness. If we have a soul, what if it does pass from our body to another body? You wouldn't carry your memories with you, so it still doesn't matter. If there is no soul and you simply end, there is still no reason to fret about it. You would be incapable of considering your situation.

Again, with science there is no need for a soul. Afterlife is a silly concept, an attempt to alleviate the pains of mortality and nothing more. Do I believe my unborn child has a soul? No, I do not. Shock! Horror! Devil speak! I don't believe in a god, so why should I believe in a soul? Does having a soul suddenly add worth to what is already a life? If so, shame on you. This comes back to the problem of "how can you have morals without religion?" How could I not? It's part of my genetic wiring by this point. The ancient humans that raped and killed to get ahead died out as a result. Working together proved to be the stronger selection, advancing those successful genes to further improve an already select gene pool. It is difficult to say that people are naturally good or bad, but it's very easy to point out that we tend to want to mate with nice people. The fact that we are conscious has greatly altered how natural selection works. We can choose against the gene pool, we can choose to kill, choose to have a choice. Morality does not require a god, nor a soul.

So I believe my child doesn't have a soul and I believe that evolution made us favor being moral, and that is how it came about. Now, depending on your beliefs, you'll either think I'm a horrible person, wrong, or maybe just 'lost.' You may even think that I'm going to be a bad parent for believing what I believe. I don't know what kind of parent I will be, but I know one thing: there are vast portions of the Bible that my child won't know until he or she is older. And even then it will be to demonstrate why I believe what I believe. I will tell him or her that I don't feel a soul is necessary or that a god is what makes us good people. We make ourselves good people by treating or fellow man right, treating ourselves with respect and dignity. Knowing that just because a large group condone a certain action, it does not make it moral or right. A true god would never command genocide, rape, pillaging. A true god would never burden its creations with an immortal soul that could be forever tortured.

A soul is not necessary to have worth. A human life is not priced by its ethereal contents. Life is precious because it is conscious, it feels, it is made of the same atoms of the universe that supports it.

A Few Facts

Current approximations of our baby:

About half an inch in length or the size of a large raspberry. (!)

It's lips, nose, eyelids, legs, and back continue to take shape.

The baby's heart is beating at 150 beats per minute, twice the rate of your heart.

Information from the book What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff & Sharon Mazel.

How interesting is that??? Freakin' nuts.

Hurry Up!

Okay, my wife is at about eight weeks. My mind is constantly buzzing with stuff about this kid and it's barely anything yet! Music I want to share, what I want to name him or her, how to infuse his or her childhood with Battlestar Galactica. It is insane just how much of my daily thoughts are focused on this child. I've even been thinking about what books I hope he or she reads. Books! And not kid's books either, I mean actual books.

But there are still so many months left, and then years of time spent with this child. It's mind blowing. Certainly a completely different perspective on life. Frustrating, exciting, intense, and overall strange. There are so many times when I sit back and realize that I'm married. I look over to Alicia and suddenly I feel that rush in my bones that's usually only when my body senses that I'm about to fall. It makes me smile because I feel happy with my choice in marrying this woman. Now I look at her and think "Wow, she's carrying our child." My legs twitch, my hands and feet go cold, I fully realize the implications of our situation. Not a bad situation, by any means. I told many, many people that we weren't having kids for a long time. I just never felt ready. Hell, if it weren't for the euphoria induced by the thought of having a child, I would probably be comatose. Passed out from the shock of all the data being processed.

Here we are though. We are happy, for the most part, only distracted from the bliss when our moods go flying, work sucks, or whatever else comes up. Or when my brain decides I don't need happy chemicals and sets me up for a day of mental static. Something I really hope doesn't pass on to our child. We think about money and it scares us, but we know we can make it work. Health issues scare us, but we know we can push through anything together. This child, though a shock to our routine, seems to have fit right in already. I think about the crying, the crap, the vomit, and I can't help but still be happy about it. Well, not happy as in "look at me smiling so hard my cheeks hurt." It's more like happy with the overall idea. Thumbs up. High five. I'm actually feeling rather pissed right now for no particular reason. The 'morning' sickness I have been sharing today with my wife certainly isn't helping. No yacking, just that heart warming, mouth watering feeling of nausea.

I guess where I am trying to get at with all this is son, daughter, I'm really happy your mother and I made you, even if we weren't planning on it at the time. I can't even look you in the eye yet, but I know you're the best thing to happen to me. You will have to deal with a lot in life, and I'm sorry for that. Just know that no matter what, we love you unconditionally. Whoever you are now, later, whenever.

But couldn't you be here just a little sooner? Your dad is really friggin' anxious to meet you.

Poll Results: Are You... ?

Religious: 4 (36%)

Non-Religious: 6 (54%)

Neither: 1 (9%)

Eleanor Power: 0 (0%)

Interesting results, I honestly expected more religious. And I expected at least one Eleanor Power. Thanks to all that voted, another poll will be up shortly.

Achievement Unlocked

I have a pet peeve. It's a petty peeve, but a peeve nonetheless. Let's say you're very ill and decide to go to the doctor. The doctor runs some tests and determines it's serious. Oh no, doomed, etcetera. Let's then say the doctor treats you using medicines and knowledge gained from science. Great, you're now healthy again! However, you don't hear "Wow, thank goodness for doctors and science." You instead hear "Thank God, He has blessed you with health!"

No, no, no. That is what I find so frustrating. I've been told we are "blessed" to have this "miracle" and so on. I've even been told that the birth of this child will be a conversion experience for me and I will finally see what this god guy is all about. I'm sorry, but that couldn't be further from the truth. As exciting and cool as having a baby is, it is by no means some miracle, full of sacred secrets and magic. It's cells replicating, a body forming, all the things that make us who we are copying and making another one of us. It's been going on for millions of years, all the way back to the original sludge.

Of course, if you're religious and you're reading that, chances are you don't agree at all with my statement and feel that I just haven't had the right experience to properly justify the god you believe to be true. But again, that is wrong. I'm not a secret Christian underneath my skin and bones. There is no underlying wish for any of it to be true. So when you tell me that I am "blessed" with a "miracle," I can't help but laugh out loud. What I believe to be true is far more fascinating then a lonely deity forming people from dust and playing with them until he decides he wants to have a little more fun and turn things into a meticulous fairy tale of war, struggle, and defeat of evil.

I think I've gone a little far off the topic I had intended. See, along with people saying a child is a blessing, yada yada yada, there are people saying that god blessed them with this or that. God blessed you with your job? So you had nothing to do with that? You didn't present yourself professionally, go to school, have the right attitude? You didn't make an effort to make yourself appear like a good potential employee? If you did none of those things and still managed to get work, chances are you know somebody. If that too is false, then you are either very lucky or there is a god who loves to bestow petty blessings on random people.

I understand that for someone believing in god, especially the god of Christianity, giving thanks to that god is part of the process. Giving thanks is mentioned in the Bible and humility, all that good jazz that's good when used properly. What is wrong with a sense of achievement though? The idea that you got your blessing because you worked for it, you made it happen. There should be nothing wrong with congratulating yourself on a job well done. Instead of giving credit to a deity who can't even make himself present enough for fear of providing proof of his existence, thus ruining his epic tale of salvation.

In short, I want our kid to have a sense of obligation towards his/her future, actions, accomplishments. Don't wait for a blessing or work less because you believe that you will be blessed. When you nail that job interview and get that awesome job, you did that because you worked for it. There was no light from heaven gleaming in the eyes of the person interviewing you making you look employable. Be proud of your achievements in life, they didn't happen by chance.

And for goodness sake, if you find $50 on the ground, don't claim that god blessed you with it because you tithed. Somebody is $50 short and certainly isn't thanking god for blessing them with more wallet space.

Language

We have already decided that we really want our child to be bilingual, and yes, I am expecting "bi" jokes. I know a lot of Americans love to think that English is the top language and that there is some invisible war against foreign languages somehow invading our free country. The truth is that we have no official language. I know, the greater portion of our population uses English, but that does not make it the official language. A universal language, sure. So why raise a child to be bilingual? Easy, there is no reason not to. No valid reason anyway.

The Good:

• Better access to other cultures.
• Higher understanding of language
• Future job opportunities involving fluent speaking of two or more languages.
• Easier learning of additional languages.

I keep finding more good, therefore I'm just going to leave this one as one big etcetera.

So what about the bad? Not much at all to be honest. One could say that they would have a problem with their kid knowing a language they didn't. In that case, why not learn a language as well? My parents are in their fifties and picking up Spanish just fine, though it's true that children learn new languages faster. If you didn't know that, chances are you're less concerned about your kid's education and more concerned with his/her performance in sports. I digress. What better reason to pick up another language? The more I read on the subject, the more I see that the only 'bad reasons' are due to xenophobia, hate, and good old all American racism. It must be deathly uncomfortable atop that high horse.

There is a kind Indian man that comes into Walmart every now and then. I typically say hello and ask how he is doing, general small talk. If we both have the time, we will spark a conversation about any number of topics. Sometimes it's economy, public transportation in India compared to America, or differences in culture and how different world problems are handled. In one of our conversations we talked about how both countries handle language. He laughed about various people he heard complaining about learning Spanish and voicing their concern that it was going to somehow hurt America. He then told me, to my astonishment, that there are eighteen (18!) official languages in India. I would say holy cow here, but that would imply stereotypical disrespect. So instead I'll imply that I would have typed 'holy cow' there.

It's true, English is their second official language. He knows five different languages, including English. He did not appear to be confused. He did not seem to feel that his culture or way of life was somehow intruded upon by knowing more than one language. He even had plenty of experience with foreigners coming into India and speaking uncommon languages and didn't express any concern over them destroying the established way of life. So what's the deal? Why do we have such low support for bilingual learning in our education system? This is the melting pot after all, regardless of what anyone thinks.

So then, another 'plan' is set and another hope is established for our yet to be born. Perhaps our child will have the benefit of speaking more than one language in this vast world. Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Japanese, Italian, and many more possibilities. In my humble opinion, America has lost the art of language. It's time to right that wrong.

Name Game

I guess naming a child isn't as easy as I always thought it would be. Shouldn't be difficult since we're not going by the name meanings. I think we are actually just so focused on finding a unique name and not a name we here all the time. No offense to people with names that are common. ;) I have an unhealthy love of traditional Russian names. At least if we have a boy; I'm not all that crazy about a majority of female Russian names. Where was I going with this? Meh, I don't know. Here's some names we are considering for a boy.

Aleksie
Dimitri
Luka
Mikhail
Nikolai
Diedrich
Liam

Odd? Maybe, but personally I think naming your kid the same name as every other person in America is sort of odd. It's a culture thing I guess. As for girl names, there are a few I like but just can't have. Haha, for one, there's Holly. Now think about that name for a moment.

"Holly."

Great, now put that with my name.

"Holly Potts."

Frak, ruined. Luckily my wife didn't like that name anyway, so no accidents of poor name choice there. It's okay, I only liked that name because there was a girl with that name when I went to Graves County High School for a short bit. She was nice to me, something I wasn't used to from the girls there. Crap, I suck at this!

I thought for a moment about Vika, but my wife's sneer said it all. I think it's a pretty name, but probably doesn't sound right with our last name. Crap! I think Alicia is a gorgeous name, but I don't think we can have an Alicia Louise Potts Jr. Something about that just doesn't ring well in my ears. We both love the name Claire, so that's a plus. We're on the fence about Chloe or Natalie. I like the name Julia, but again I think Julia Potts might sound odd. I really like Adelina too. Hmm!

Feel free to comment with any opinion you like either here or on Facebook if you're on there. High five, have a good night, my mind is tired.

Foobar!

Finally taking the time to start a baby playlist in Foobar2000. It's fun, but I have to keep in mind that this is for our baby and not for me. Haha, even better since so much of it won't even be audible to Alicia and I as the headphones will be on Alicia's belly for the better part of this year. Even though the baby won't be able to make sense of the words, I certainly don't want to add Nine Inch Nails - Closer to the mix, even though a good electronic "wall of sound" would definitely be stimulating to a developing brain. So what good will this actually do? Who knows, but it certainly can't hurt.

Occasionally I will make a post listing some of the music on the baby playlist. Kind of like this:

Osipov State Russian Folk Orchestra, Vitaly Gnutov – Fantasy on Two Songs

Masashi Hamauzu – Via Purifico

Tori Amos – Cloud on My Tongue

If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment. Chopin will certainly be making an appearance, as well as Tchaikovsky. It seems like every single article I've found talking about say Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is a good choice; I'm convinced that's because it's the only classical piece the writer knows and thinks it sounds smart. I'm not a huge Beethoven fan. I went to a Beethoven concert once and when we all shouted for an encore, he rudely bowed and walked away as if he didn't hear us. Pffft, what a diva.

Edit: For those that don't know, the fetus develops the ability to hear over the course of the first and second trimester, more specifically around week 20. Vibrations may still be felt and therefore "heard," but scientists are not sure exactly when.

Thinking Inside the Box

I was thinking the other day about how awesome it will be when my kid is old enough to play Minecraft. No telling what it will be like then, but I can hope it will be every bit as good as now and better. I always loved playing with Lego's when I was a kid. The possibilities seemed endless. Until, of course, I inevitably lost a substantial amount of blocks over the course of time.

I couldn't help but think about Minecraft being the obvious substitute for Lego's. Even better since it includes aspects of exploring and survival along with building. I'm getting all kinds of excited now about having a Minecraft server set up for me, Alicia, and our kid to play on at once. Haha, it's a nice mental distraction from thinking about sleepless nights, tight budgets, and whatever issue may come. Hmm, maybe I should be spending more time reading the baby books.

Also, how awesome will it be to introduce my baby to Jimi Hendrix.. while still in the womb? Very awesome.

Oh, A Horror

Today I was treated to the blissful experience of going to the lady doc with my wife. What I was expecting was to sit down while my wife was examined, answer some questions, ask some questions, and learn something new about our child. I could not have been any more wrong. Instead of having a charming "new father" experience, I had a "sit in the waiting room for an hour waiting on Alicia to be seen, then waiting an hour by myself stuck with Dr. Phil blaring on the TV" experience. The nurse flatly told me "Alyssa only. But I'll call you back here when we're done asking her a few questions." I ignored the fact that she completely got my wife's name wrong and gave an annoyed 'thumbs up.' I figured that she would be asking personal questions about patient history that would require completely honest answers and complied to the request. Later I found out that she merely asked the general questions on the original patient history form that was already filled out.

That wasn't the most frustrating part though. Alicia wanted me in the room with her. However, there was never a single moment when the nurse called me back there. Not once. Instead I was left, as I said, sitting in the waiting area having to listen to Dr. Phil make millions by being a huge ass. Of course, the women in the room were watching intently, shaking their heads in disgust at the man that had allegedly been a "bad husband and father." None of them seemed to realize that they both had opted to become a circus freak show instead of handling it in a way that would have actually been good for the kids. Time had stopped, and there I was not knowing what was even going on or if I was going to be involved at all.

Perhaps I was in the wrong for thinking that our first visit to the doctor would be a special experience for both of us. I already knew it was too early for an ultrasound, but it would be the first 100% sure answer to the pregnancy. Regardless of the evidence we had mounted already. Alicia was nervous, as was I, but that didn't seem to matter at all to the nurse. I never even got to meet the doctor. I was furious. Was I just overreacting to what was a normal experience? Maybe I was, I don't know. This is my first time, I certainly didn't appreciate being brushed off by the nurse as if I was some failure making babies everywhere I happened to lay down. Also, leaving me in a room full of unstable hormones with fugging Dr. Phil on the screen?! Torture beyond description!

Aside from the frustrating experience with someone sucking at their job, everything is going well. The current projected due date is August 23rd! That is so, so very soon. Especially the more I realize how fast this past year went. I don't even remember August of 2010. Anyway, the baby should be developing the heart soon if not already, and the eyes will begin their development. Brain cells are being produced at astonishing rates and my wife's body is changing in all sorts of ways. As for my body.. I can't stop eating regardless of feeling queasy a LOT. Yay for sharing the load I guess.

My mind has had a lot to process today. I planned to have a more fun blog post pertaining to something... well, fun. My latest posts have been more serious and perhaps a bit depressing. That's what a dull winter does for me. I love snow, but that's the problem, it hardly snows worthwhile here! Bleh!

The End, Probably Not Nigh

Being the preacher's son that I am, I have heard that the "end times" are close at hand my entire life. Several times I have had that overwhelming fear that this could very well be "it." It has been a key component in my experience with depression throughout the years. The best part is that nothing has ended yet. There has been no rapture, no beasts, Antichrists, or any of the other signs that people were supposedly seeing. I have found myself wondering why the religious will discredit someone having a ten gram psilocybin mushroom experience, only to take Revelations for what it is. Trust me, in my past experience with hallucinogens, it's possible to see much stranger versions of the future in closed eye visions. But you don't see me writing a book on it, telling people all about how the world will end. Why is that? Because we live in a time where we have a much better understanding of natural order, physics, how the universe works. At least our tiny part of the universe.

I see no reason to scare our children with the idea that things could be ending any day now. Though true, in non-religious terms, things could end quite abruptly. With people losing their minds over the mass animal deaths lately, I can't imagine what younger kids must be thinking. It's bad enough to be a kid and hear about Revelations, what a way to literally scare the "hell" out of someone impressionable. I know this is becoming more of a religious rant, and that my writing skills this morning are supremely lacking. I assure you, my fears are completely relevant to my child. I should give some insight to how damaging it was for me to hear that the world was ending.

1. I'll take you back to around a time when I didn't keep track of my age. I had been so worried about it that I was losing sleep. I just knew that tomorrow I was going to wake up in a strange place with God and all, but I didn't want to be. I had so many cool things I wanted to do. I had never been to China, gone to space, rode a motorcycle. It's like someone telling you that not a single one of your dreams will ever come true and they smile about it. My mom did offer me some consolation here and told me "oh, people have been saying that the world was about to end for a long time now. I heard it when I was your age." I might be paraphrasing ever so lightly.

2. Fast forward to me being a teenager. I was in a happy-go-lucky teen relationship with a beautiful young woman, and of course, I thought all was going to be golden for our ever so perfect lives. Regardless of all the issues we had, being the daft teenagers we were. This was during my religious high point. The point when I would actually witness to someone, impose on beliefs, and all that crap. Our pastor (read: business man) at the time had preached a big hellfire, redemption, end of the world sermon. Cue the immediate fear of dreams ending. Suddenly, I gathered a big plan to buy a ring, talk to my girlfriend's father about marriage, and fast track the two of us into a (sure to fail) marriage. I mean, for goodness sakes, it could end at any moment! I hadn't even had sex yet, had kids yet, been married, HAD SEX! I had to solve this miserable dilemma before it all came to an end. Needless to say, things didn't work out.

3. This brings me to my late teens, early twenties. Things didn't matter. It was all going to end soon(ish) no matter what and there was no need to chase dreams that will be stamped out before I achieve them. This was the self destructive point in my life. I had been "saved" and had been taught that it is "once saved, always saved." I was also taught that if you do bad things while saved, God still forgives you, but he takes away blessings in heaven. Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. I put myself into the position of being passed out in the back seat while the driver drunkenly drove to the next party. I tried to hurt myself many, many times. I figured "what the hell, if it's all going to end, then why not get there first?" Fortunately, I had been told that suicides go to hell (because you know, god didn't think that their life went bad enough apparently). I wanted to kill myself and I had every capability to. The end was very, very close. Not for the world, but for me. My deconversion literally saved my life.

I do admit, a lot of this has to do with how my mind worked as a teenager. But it nearly cost me my life, not a chance I'm willing to take. Religion is not all well and good with the psyche. You can make every excuse in the book telling me that I was told wrong, or that I had bad experiences. Unless you know every single thought of your child, you yourself have no idea what they may be thinking about any number of things you tell them. My parents knew many times when I was hurting, but that had no idea I was literally praying for god to either end the world now or let me die. Not just because I lost a girlfriend, or this and that didn't go my way. No, I can tell you from experience, it is completely unhealthy to let a young person believe that the whole world will end soon. Even if it is into the arms of a seemingly benevolent "savior."

/end rant

Smokin'

I'm an occasional smoker. I got in the bad habit of smoking at work on my breaks. That was a bad, bad idea. I'm trying to quit completely now and it is much more difficult this time around! If I don't smoke on break, it feels like I'm not even having a break! Haha, worse than that, if I do smoke I have that horrible nagging feeling that I'm betraying my future children. Terrible feeling guilt is.

I've known people, some close friends, that had parents die while they were relatively young. Regardless of my feelings on death, I have to deal with the fact that now there is one more person that will be directly effected by my health. That is an uncomfortable notion for me. As much as I would like for everyone to have no fear in death, it is a fact of life that we all care to some extent about the death of someone or ourselves. I can say I am unafraid of death, but I cannot say I am unafraid of the effect my death would have on those that love me.

So why all this talk of death? No reason really, but it has been crossing my mind the more I realize just what is happening in my wife's body. I knew smoking was a risk to my health and I've thought about quitting. It wasn't until finding out about my unborn child that it really hit me. Suddenly I want to scrub my lungs clean, take back all the cigs I smoked, and rid my body of any cells that could be copying the wrong information from cell to cell, thus sealing my demise.

Morbid, depressing, and bleak. Not at all how I view death. Not at all how I want our child to view death either. Death can come at any moment, by chance, by intent, by one's own doing. There are steps one can take to potentially prolong life, but when the clock is up, it is up. Being careful is good, not being paranoid. Quitting smoking is being careful. I am not admitting defeat to death and the fear of it.

I want my child to understand that everything that lives does, in fact, die. I want that understanding to include a cautious comfort with the idea. Not because of some deity, not because of religion or the shallow concept of an eternal afterlife. Even though death is frightening, unknown, and uncomfortable, it is just one of the infinitely beautiful systems in this universe. Birthdays are fun because they don't happen every day. Concerts are a blast because they don't last for years. Life is what it is because we all know it will eventually end. All the molecules that came from the very universe in which we live will eventually cease to be our bodies. What we are now will return to the universe that formed it.

"Star stuff contemplating the stars." - Carl Sagan

Fear of the Dark

It is currently inconceivable to fully realize how the next 8 to 9 months will be. I can barely stand the week it is taking to get to the doctor's appointment. Every moment that ticks by is in slow motion. I am ready to hear a heartbeat, I'm ready to feel a kick, I'm ready to rush to the hospital. It's all taking so long!

It wasn't long ago I was saying I wasn't having kids anytime soon. I had a fear of having children. I played out how the drama would unfold if Alicia were to tell me she was pregnant. There would be tears and a horrible look at our budget, no smiles on any face, not a single laugh or word of hope.

Depressing right? I should take this moment to clarify for my future child, don't worry, this is not how it all played out. I would never say you were an accident. Unexpected, sure, but the best things in life usually are. No, this huge moment in our lives happened in a completely unprecedented way. My nerves were almost vibrating with an intoxicating energy as I waiting for Alicia to give me the results. When she told me, my mind was filled with all the hope in the world. I felt a joy I had never felt before and I am still coming down from that high.

I suppose I should make some sort of moral point here in order to wrap this up. When you face the darkness ahead, try not to expect the worst. True, there can be monsters that will hurt you, holes that you will inevitably trip and fall into, and even walls that will feel impassable. You can try to be as ready as possible for these events, but in the end, you're still moving forward in the dark. It is in this darkness that you find the greatest moments in life. If you stop, you will feel temporarily secure, but all the joy of life will drain out until you no longer have the will to move ahead.

Oh, and if you dig down to the very bottom and then dig around the 10th layer up from the bottom, you'll find diamonds and redstone.

Santa!

To believe in Santa, or not believe in Santa. Not to be a Scrooge, but I would be fine with our kid thinking that Santa was a trip to the dollar store to pick out two things. But alas, Alicia wants our spawn to believe in the old jolly fat man who somehow stuffs himself down chimneys to leave wrapped presents and steal cookies and milk. I can't really protest since I can't seem to remember whether or not I actually had a belief in Santa Claus. It can't be too damaging to the fragile psyche of a youngster. Right? ;) Besides, I don't want to be the parent of the kid that told all the kids at school that Santa doesn't exist. Not a pleasant thought!

No, what's going to be badass is when all the parents want to talk to me about why all their children are afraid to go to bed for fear of Krampus. Oh yeah, that's right, Krampus mofo! Why threaten your children with the hollow threat of "no presents from Santa if you're bad" when you can give them tangible fear. A few bells, some rusty chains, and a horrific mask is all it will take to ensure your children are quiet as a mouse. Unfortunately for ol' Krampus, Alicia shot down the idea completely. Something about not traumatizing our children.

See, I've also thought about making up our own Santa-esque quasi-spiritual, sub-deity of gifts and elf slavery. Introducing Grampa Winter! Long white beard, white robes that shine in the sun like morning snowfall. He carries a great staff which he can use to light fireworks on Christmas day! Oh, and he wears a hat, much like a wizard's at, but it glistens like wet snow. Every Christmas he comes to bring joy to the land of men, and to defend against the evil Snowurman, a tall, fiery old man who replaces sugar with flour and salt. Although strong with all the power of winter, sometimes Grampa Winter enlists the help of little people. He's fond of them or something.

Yeah, so going to ruin our child with crazy bedtime stories...

Yikes!

Stress, hormones, and general frustration. For one, the doctor appointment cannot come soon enough. We are both on pins and needles waiting to get everything checked out. The tension is hardly healthy since we've both taken to unleashing our frustration at each other at the slightest infraction. Not long after we tend to figure everything out and move on, but wow, talk about some fierceness.

Alicia has finally started craving food like I have been. Gah! About frickin' time. I practically starved myself all day eating small carb rich meals to avoid eating more than I needed to. Talk about an exercise in futility. Tonight, after I cooked a simple sweet Dijon chicken (with a little spice), we both sat with our bellies content... for approximately ten minutes. I finished up what I was doing on EVE Online and we made our way to Burger King. Yes, Burger King... it was amazing.

So much for small meals spread out through the day, I'm not much help for her when it comes to this. I have a feeling that both of us will mark this moment as "the moment when our bodies changed drastically, forever." Next it will be baldness, glasses, gray hair, and wrinkles. Frak! Old age is just around the bend! (Death Cab for Cutie reference anyone?)

Hmmm.. I wonder if our kid will like Death Cab for Cutie.

Choice

Someone made the joke that if we have a girl they would make her tu-tus to wear. I of course laughed and said that's fine. My brother laughed and made a joke about if I had a boy he would wear a tu-tu. Haha, that would make most men in this area cringe and say "not my boy!!" Not this guy, sorry. ;)

If I have a boy that wants to wear pink, a tu-tu, or whatever, that is his choice to make. That's right, think about that. That doesn't mean I'm going to buy dresses along with boy clothes right off the bat, but it does mean I am going to be tolerant of his or her future lifestyle.

Cue the angry mobs.

The Odd Questions

Since finding out, my mind has been filled with questions. Some of them valid, others are really absurd. I think I will share some of them with you now, in no particular order.

When should I introduce our child to Pink Floyd? Yes, this was a question that came to mind. In fact, it hit my mind directly, as if my brain somehow found it distinctly urgent. Of course, I came to the conclusion that the moment I put headphones on the womb I should put Pink Floyd in the playlist. I do love Pink Floyd, but it's not even my favorite musical group! WTF?

How should I go about Star Wars? I loved the trilogy as a child, watching the VHS tapes to the point they would no longer show a discernible image. Now with the prequels and all the other cash grab garbage related to them, how do I approach such an important subject?! Simple, I use the Bible (!) has a guide for this one. The Adam and Eve apple approach. You may partake in the original trilogy, but never, ever partake of the prequels, lest ye be eternally disappointed and ashamed.

How do I keep people from teaching our child that creation is a fact and that the big bang theory is absolutely wrong? This one still bothers me. Living in the Bible belt makes this especially difficult. What do you do? I want our child to have a choice and to believe whatever he or she wishes, regardless of pressure. I just don't want him or her to believe in something as if it is absolute. There is no "proof" of creation, there is no absolute "proof" of the big bang (though tons of wonderful evidence).

There are more questions I hope to cover when I have more time. For now it's off to work I go. You know what's fun about that? I'm getting morning sickness like my wife, especially once I'm away from her. In addition to morning sickness, I get heartburn more, don't sleep well, and I'm constantly hungry. Oh! And I also want to clean every inch of our home. Sympathy pains for the loss.

Oh My Possible God

Over the past few weeks, my wife and I both noticed some startling symptoms. We were getting nauseated at unusual times, feeling exhausted even with plenty of sleep, and then my wife started smelling strange smells that weren't there. Something was definitely up and my denial finally broke. I spoke to my mother and she agreed that my wife (Alicia) should take a test.

My wife, now two weeks late, reluctantly took the pregnancy test. As I sat on my bed taking in the possibility, I heard crying coming from the bathroom. In a moment of shock, I laughed as if I had just won the lottery. My wife was not pleased with my joy as this was a completely unplanned event in our simple lives. I comforted her and a little while later we called our family and unleashed the news. It was met with screams of joy and laughter, lifting my wife's mood further.

Now, as we both continue to experience the morning sickness, we are met with a series of intense topics to consider. In my thoughts, how do we raise a child whose parents are Catholic (wife) and agnostic (me)? Also, being that I love photography, how much to document this journey? Small on the scale of things, especially when religion is such a hot topic in the Bible belt. I want to ensure my child chooses his religion or non-religion. My wife wants to raise him/her Catholic and let him/her decide when old enough. Choices!