Writer's Block

It seems that I've hit somewhat of a wall with my blogging lately. Not for lack of topics, more of a reaction to being mentally exhausted. A lot has been going on lately, everything from looking for a place to live towards Collierville, to job hunting in that area. I'm nervous about doing the whole 'new job' thing again. The endless 'what if' scenarios, the fact I'm twenty-six and don't have a future proof career and yet I'm going to be a father before the year is over. It's just frightening!

Anyway, the above photo is what Alicia has been craving a lot. This and the occasional milk shake or salsa. Not together, that would be brutal. I've been craving beer. Tall, cold, refreshing beer. I get her ice cream sometimes, and sometimes she lets me get a beverage. Score! Ohhh, a minor distraction from an overwhelming situation. I need to be mentally stimulated, give me your ideas that you would like me to write about! Requests!

Hurry Up!

Okay, my wife is at about eight weeks. My mind is constantly buzzing with stuff about this kid and it's barely anything yet! Music I want to share, what I want to name him or her, how to infuse his or her childhood with Battlestar Galactica. It is insane just how much of my daily thoughts are focused on this child. I've even been thinking about what books I hope he or she reads. Books! And not kid's books either, I mean actual books.

But there are still so many months left, and then years of time spent with this child. It's mind blowing. Certainly a completely different perspective on life. Frustrating, exciting, intense, and overall strange. There are so many times when I sit back and realize that I'm married. I look over to Alicia and suddenly I feel that rush in my bones that's usually only when my body senses that I'm about to fall. It makes me smile because I feel happy with my choice in marrying this woman. Now I look at her and think "Wow, she's carrying our child." My legs twitch, my hands and feet go cold, I fully realize the implications of our situation. Not a bad situation, by any means. I told many, many people that we weren't having kids for a long time. I just never felt ready. Hell, if it weren't for the euphoria induced by the thought of having a child, I would probably be comatose. Passed out from the shock of all the data being processed.

Here we are though. We are happy, for the most part, only distracted from the bliss when our moods go flying, work sucks, or whatever else comes up. Or when my brain decides I don't need happy chemicals and sets me up for a day of mental static. Something I really hope doesn't pass on to our child. We think about money and it scares us, but we know we can make it work. Health issues scare us, but we know we can push through anything together. This child, though a shock to our routine, seems to have fit right in already. I think about the crying, the crap, the vomit, and I can't help but still be happy about it. Well, not happy as in "look at me smiling so hard my cheeks hurt." It's more like happy with the overall idea. Thumbs up. High five. I'm actually feeling rather pissed right now for no particular reason. The 'morning' sickness I have been sharing today with my wife certainly isn't helping. No yacking, just that heart warming, mouth watering feeling of nausea.

I guess where I am trying to get at with all this is son, daughter, I'm really happy your mother and I made you, even if we weren't planning on it at the time. I can't even look you in the eye yet, but I know you're the best thing to happen to me. You will have to deal with a lot in life, and I'm sorry for that. Just know that no matter what, we love you unconditionally. Whoever you are now, later, whenever.

But couldn't you be here just a little sooner? Your dad is really friggin' anxious to meet you.

Yikes!

Stress, hormones, and general frustration. For one, the doctor appointment cannot come soon enough. We are both on pins and needles waiting to get everything checked out. The tension is hardly healthy since we've both taken to unleashing our frustration at each other at the slightest infraction. Not long after we tend to figure everything out and move on, but wow, talk about some fierceness.

Alicia has finally started craving food like I have been. Gah! About frickin' time. I practically starved myself all day eating small carb rich meals to avoid eating more than I needed to. Talk about an exercise in futility. Tonight, after I cooked a simple sweet Dijon chicken (with a little spice), we both sat with our bellies content... for approximately ten minutes. I finished up what I was doing on EVE Online and we made our way to Burger King. Yes, Burger King... it was amazing.

So much for small meals spread out through the day, I'm not much help for her when it comes to this. I have a feeling that both of us will mark this moment as "the moment when our bodies changed drastically, forever." Next it will be baldness, glasses, gray hair, and wrinkles. Frak! Old age is just around the bend! (Death Cab for Cutie reference anyone?)

Hmmm.. I wonder if our kid will like Death Cab for Cutie.