Tornado

Just thinking and recognizing the churning in my chest. I'm so excited, literally on edge, and there are still several weeks to go. This has been a wild ride day after day. I really never thought it would feel like this to know I was going to have a baby. Don't get excited, this isn't an "oh lawd, take me jeebus" post. This is more me finding some way to breath through some pretty intense emotion.

I think my mind is really stuck on the fact that I have no idea what my child will experience in life. For example, I have never kayaked. I have a friend that sends me links to videos of people kayaking in water that I would only photograph from a safe distance. He looks at them with the excitement of wanting to do that. I'm fairly sure he was to walk with a wheelbarrow in front of him at all times.

So what will my kid experience? Will he or she enjoy kayaking? Photography? Sports? Will my wife be giving birth to the next great stunt man? I think I'm going to start eating more heart healthy foods just in case. I got to thinking about this as I was becoming entranced with photos and video from Norway. I've always wanted to go there, among many other countries. I'm not really sure where my brain made the connection. Perhaps a strangled sense of longing projected onto the life I'm about to be responsible for. Deep inside I am struggling with that awful thought of "oh, now I have a kid. Time to settle down." It's a terrible feeling; a guilty feeling almost.

I'm sorting through this, trying to sort out what's being realistic and what is being fanciful. I never went out of country with my parents when I was a kid, and I certainly don't blame them for that. I just feel that I don't have a compass for that sort of thing. I have no idea how possible it's going to be to travel with our child to various places, but I know I want to. I want our children to see the world as we see it too. As impossible as it may be, that's what I want for him or her.

Language

We have already decided that we really want our child to be bilingual, and yes, I am expecting "bi" jokes. I know a lot of Americans love to think that English is the top language and that there is some invisible war against foreign languages somehow invading our free country. The truth is that we have no official language. I know, the greater portion of our population uses English, but that does not make it the official language. A universal language, sure. So why raise a child to be bilingual? Easy, there is no reason not to. No valid reason anyway.

The Good:

• Better access to other cultures.
• Higher understanding of language
• Future job opportunities involving fluent speaking of two or more languages.
• Easier learning of additional languages.

I keep finding more good, therefore I'm just going to leave this one as one big etcetera.

So what about the bad? Not much at all to be honest. One could say that they would have a problem with their kid knowing a language they didn't. In that case, why not learn a language as well? My parents are in their fifties and picking up Spanish just fine, though it's true that children learn new languages faster. If you didn't know that, chances are you're less concerned about your kid's education and more concerned with his/her performance in sports. I digress. What better reason to pick up another language? The more I read on the subject, the more I see that the only 'bad reasons' are due to xenophobia, hate, and good old all American racism. It must be deathly uncomfortable atop that high horse.

There is a kind Indian man that comes into Walmart every now and then. I typically say hello and ask how he is doing, general small talk. If we both have the time, we will spark a conversation about any number of topics. Sometimes it's economy, public transportation in India compared to America, or differences in culture and how different world problems are handled. In one of our conversations we talked about how both countries handle language. He laughed about various people he heard complaining about learning Spanish and voicing their concern that it was going to somehow hurt America. He then told me, to my astonishment, that there are eighteen (18!) official languages in India. I would say holy cow here, but that would imply stereotypical disrespect. So instead I'll imply that I would have typed 'holy cow' there.

It's true, English is their second official language. He knows five different languages, including English. He did not appear to be confused. He did not seem to feel that his culture or way of life was somehow intruded upon by knowing more than one language. He even had plenty of experience with foreigners coming into India and speaking uncommon languages and didn't express any concern over them destroying the established way of life. So what's the deal? Why do we have such low support for bilingual learning in our education system? This is the melting pot after all, regardless of what anyone thinks.

So then, another 'plan' is set and another hope is established for our yet to be born. Perhaps our child will have the benefit of speaking more than one language in this vast world. Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Japanese, Italian, and many more possibilities. In my humble opinion, America has lost the art of language. It's time to right that wrong.

The End, Probably Not Nigh

Being the preacher's son that I am, I have heard that the "end times" are close at hand my entire life. Several times I have had that overwhelming fear that this could very well be "it." It has been a key component in my experience with depression throughout the years. The best part is that nothing has ended yet. There has been no rapture, no beasts, Antichrists, or any of the other signs that people were supposedly seeing. I have found myself wondering why the religious will discredit someone having a ten gram psilocybin mushroom experience, only to take Revelations for what it is. Trust me, in my past experience with hallucinogens, it's possible to see much stranger versions of the future in closed eye visions. But you don't see me writing a book on it, telling people all about how the world will end. Why is that? Because we live in a time where we have a much better understanding of natural order, physics, how the universe works. At least our tiny part of the universe.

I see no reason to scare our children with the idea that things could be ending any day now. Though true, in non-religious terms, things could end quite abruptly. With people losing their minds over the mass animal deaths lately, I can't imagine what younger kids must be thinking. It's bad enough to be a kid and hear about Revelations, what a way to literally scare the "hell" out of someone impressionable. I know this is becoming more of a religious rant, and that my writing skills this morning are supremely lacking. I assure you, my fears are completely relevant to my child. I should give some insight to how damaging it was for me to hear that the world was ending.

1. I'll take you back to around a time when I didn't keep track of my age. I had been so worried about it that I was losing sleep. I just knew that tomorrow I was going to wake up in a strange place with God and all, but I didn't want to be. I had so many cool things I wanted to do. I had never been to China, gone to space, rode a motorcycle. It's like someone telling you that not a single one of your dreams will ever come true and they smile about it. My mom did offer me some consolation here and told me "oh, people have been saying that the world was about to end for a long time now. I heard it when I was your age." I might be paraphrasing ever so lightly.

2. Fast forward to me being a teenager. I was in a happy-go-lucky teen relationship with a beautiful young woman, and of course, I thought all was going to be golden for our ever so perfect lives. Regardless of all the issues we had, being the daft teenagers we were. This was during my religious high point. The point when I would actually witness to someone, impose on beliefs, and all that crap. Our pastor (read: business man) at the time had preached a big hellfire, redemption, end of the world sermon. Cue the immediate fear of dreams ending. Suddenly, I gathered a big plan to buy a ring, talk to my girlfriend's father about marriage, and fast track the two of us into a (sure to fail) marriage. I mean, for goodness sakes, it could end at any moment! I hadn't even had sex yet, had kids yet, been married, HAD SEX! I had to solve this miserable dilemma before it all came to an end. Needless to say, things didn't work out.

3. This brings me to my late teens, early twenties. Things didn't matter. It was all going to end soon(ish) no matter what and there was no need to chase dreams that will be stamped out before I achieve them. This was the self destructive point in my life. I had been "saved" and had been taught that it is "once saved, always saved." I was also taught that if you do bad things while saved, God still forgives you, but he takes away blessings in heaven. Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. I put myself into the position of being passed out in the back seat while the driver drunkenly drove to the next party. I tried to hurt myself many, many times. I figured "what the hell, if it's all going to end, then why not get there first?" Fortunately, I had been told that suicides go to hell (because you know, god didn't think that their life went bad enough apparently). I wanted to kill myself and I had every capability to. The end was very, very close. Not for the world, but for me. My deconversion literally saved my life.

I do admit, a lot of this has to do with how my mind worked as a teenager. But it nearly cost me my life, not a chance I'm willing to take. Religion is not all well and good with the psyche. You can make every excuse in the book telling me that I was told wrong, or that I had bad experiences. Unless you know every single thought of your child, you yourself have no idea what they may be thinking about any number of things you tell them. My parents knew many times when I was hurting, but that had no idea I was literally praying for god to either end the world now or let me die. Not just because I lost a girlfriend, or this and that didn't go my way. No, I can tell you from experience, it is completely unhealthy to let a young person believe that the whole world will end soon. Even if it is into the arms of a seemingly benevolent "savior."

/end rant