"Now Remember..."

Child birth. It is our future, the reason we are still here generation after generation. For thousands upon thousands of years, mankind as we know it has lived as a civilized organism. We hunt together, work together, live together, fight together. Above all, we mate together and produce the very vessels that will keep our genetics moving on into whatever may come next. There are many ways that we protect our young. We guard them against what we believe may be harmful to them. My parents told me to not play near the old wood stove we had. That was the first line of defense in my protection, the next was my nervous system sending me a jolt of pain when I inevitably touched the hot stove.

That was when I was already capable of moving myself, making decisions to protect myself. So what about the time before that? Currently Alicia's body protects our child. We avoid things that will enter our child's developing body by changing diet, avoiding alcohol, and limiting contact with harmful chemicals. Anything that could harm newly forming cells or alter the strict genetic code charged with the task of building every aspect of its body. Cradled in the warmth of mother's womb, the child is relatively safe from harm so long as the parents observe simple caution. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one, an expectant mother should never reach her arms above her head. Ever! The fear is instilled with the idea that doing this could somehow wrap the umbilical cord around our dear child's fragile neck. OH NO! Certainly the doctor would have told us this! The truth is, no, there is no evidence that a pregnant woman should be the slightest touch concerned about reaching above her head. This is a prime example of the long standing tradition to pass on "Old Wives Tales" to the next generation of mothers. There is nothing particularly wrong with most of these tales, and some can have enough of a placebo effect for the mother to make them almost worth it. In other cases, the exhausted parent will try something that would seem completely out of the question under any other circumstance. It is my sincere belief that the following story was the result of a prank formulated by some conspiring grandmother long ago. Without further ado, a story from a friend that she shared with me on Facebook. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

"You are going to think I am a total idiot. I'm not gonna lie, I have my days! Anyway, Jake had been showing signs of teething since he was 3 months old. The crying, screaming, fussing, drooling, chewing, etc. was just about all I could take. I had tried everything (except liquor on the gums.) My mom told me that she heard several people mention that hanging an egg in one of your baby's socks over his door would ease teething pain. I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. After months and months of this teething, I was at my wit's end! Let me be the first to tell you, teething sucks! Hopefully, you'll have one of those kids who just "wakes up with a tooth". I wasn't so lucky. Anyway, one night while mom was over here, Jake was fussing excessively, and she mentioned it again. In a moment of weakness, I got a hammer, an egg, and one of Jake's socks, jumped in a chair, and hammered away. Needless to say, it didn't work. A week later, I was still left with a fussy baby and one stinky egg. Jake didn't produce a tooth until he was almost 7 months old. I don't recommend trying this at all!"

I don't know about you, but I died laughing when I read this. This intrigued me to look at some more "remedies" related to pregnancy. Some of them are absolutely off the wall. Almost as off the wall has nailing a sock with an egg in it over your baby's door. ;)

(Fairly common. Thanks Kevin for the link to the effect.) To predict the sex of a baby: Suspend a wedding band held by a piece of thread over the palm of the pregnant girl. If the ring swings in an oval or circular motion the baby will be a girl. If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a boy.

(Ha! I imagine a one-eyed, white haired woman reciting this while petting a hairless cat. Really, I do. I don't know why.)

Monday's child is fair of face;
Tuesday's child is full of grace;
Wednesday's child is full of woe;
Thursday's child has far to go;
Friday's child is loving and giving;
Saturday's child works hard for a living.
But the child that is born on the Sabbath day
is fair and wise, good and gay.

(Or just have a complicated birth) A baby that is born feet first will have healing abilities.

(Well, that would be a change for the better at least.) Everything planted by a pregnant woman will grow well.

(WTF...) Do not wear high heels during pregnancy or your baby will “fall out.”

So what merit do these suggestions have? You would think they have no merit at all, but what if? It's natural for our curious minds to question the limits of our reality, if we didn't there would hardly be a reason for science. Would it be fair to say that humans want to push the limits of our reality to try and have a better grasp on the protection of our offspring? I believe so. To say that you even have an idea about something that could dictate any parameter of the child's wellbeing, that's one step closer to being in total control of what is indeed a frightening concept. Still though, there are some things which rocket well beyond the limits and end up in The Twilight Zone.

Have the groom carry the bride over a pan of burning coals when entering his home for the first time. Doing this ensures trouble-free labor.

Oops... Sorry Alicia.